Dr. House: See that, they all assume I'm a patient because of the cane.
Dr. Wilson: Then why don't you put on a white coat like the rest of us?
Dr. House: Then they'll think I'm a doctor.
Orange-Colored Patient: What are those?
Dr. House: Painkillers.
Orange-Colored Patient: Oh, for you, for your leg.
Dr. House: No, because they're yummy.
Dr.House: Your wife is having an affair.
Orange-Colored Patient: What??
Dr. House: You're
Dr. Cuddy: You don't prescribe medicine based on guesses. At least we don't since Tuskeegee and Mengele.
Dr. House: You're comparing me to a Nazi? [admiringly] Nice ...
Dr. Foreman: Oh, Cameron, I need you for a couple of hours.
Dr. Cameron: What's up?
Dr. Foreman: When you break into someone's house, it's always better to have a white chick with you.
Dr. Foreman: Isn't treating patients why we became doctors?
Dr. House: No, treating illnesses is why we became doctors. Treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable.
Rebecca Adler: I just want to die with a little dignity.
Dr. House: There's no such thing! Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're 90, sometimes before we're even born, but it always happens and there's never any dignity in it. I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass. It's always ugly - always! We can live with dignity - we can't die with it.
[House is discussing inhalers with a boy's mother.]
Boy's Mother: I worry about children taking such strong medicine so frequently.
Dr. House: Your doctor was probably concerned about the strength of the medicine too. She probably weighed that danger against the danger of not breathing. Oxygen is so important during those prepubescent years, don't you think?
Rebecca Adler: What made you a cripple?
Dr. House: I had an infarction.
Rebecca Adler: A heart attack?
Dr. House: It happens when the blood flow is obstructed. It's in the heart, it's a heart attack; it's in the lungs, it's a pulmonary embolism; it's in the brain, it's a stroke. I had it in my thigh muscles.
Rebecca Adler: Wasn't there something they could do?
Dr. House: There was plenty they could do... if they had made the right diagnosis. The only symptom was pain. Not many people get to experience muscle death.
Rebecca Adler: Did you think you were dying?
Dr. House: I hoped I was dying.
Dr. Cameron: You hired a black guy because he had a juvenile record.
Dr. House: No, it wasn't a racial thing, I didn't see a black guy. I just saw a doctor...with a juvenile record. I hired Chase 'cause his dad made a phone call. I hired you because you are extremely pretty.
Dr. Cameron: You hired me to get into my pants?!
Dr. House: I can't believe that that would shock you. It's also not what I said. No, I hired you because you look good; it's like having a nice piece of art in the lobby.
Dr. Cameron: I was in the top of my class.
Dr. House: But not THE top.
Dr. Cameron: I did an internship at the Mayo Clinic.
Dr. House: Yes, you were a very good applicant.
Dr. Cameron: But not the best?
Dr. House: Would that upset you, really? To think that you were hired because of some genetic gift of beauty not some genetic gift of intelligence?
Dr. Cameron: I worked very hard to get where I am.
Dr. House: But you didn't have to. People choose the paths that grant them the greatest rewards for the least amount of effort. That's the law of nature, and you defied it. That's why I hired you. You could have married rich, could have been a model, you could have just shown up and people would have given you stuff. Lots of stuff, but you didn't, you worked your stunning little ass off.
Dr. Cameron: Am I supposed to be flattered?
Dr. House: Gorgeous women do not go to medical school. Unless they're as damaged as they are beautiful. Were you abused by a family member?
Dr. Cameron: No!
Dr. House: Sexually assaulted?
Dr. Cameron: No.
Dr. House: But you are damaged, aren't you?
Dr. Cuddy: Your reputation won't last if you don't do your job; the clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job.
Dr. House: Ah, yes, but as the philosopher Jagger once said, 'You can't always get what you want.'
Dr. Cuddy: [later in the episode] I looked into that philosopher, Jagger, you mentioned, and you're right, you can't always get what you want. But as it turns out, if you try sometimes, you get what you need.
Dr. House: When did my signature get so girly?
Dr. Cameron: I can explain.
Dr. House: See that "G," see how it makes a big loop on top? It doesn't even look like my handwriting. Think I have something? What's the differential diagnosis for writing "G's" like a junior high school girl?
Dr. Chase: It doesn't necessarily have to be that bad. If we exclude the night terrors it could be something systemic: his liver, kidneys, something outside the brain.
Dr. House: Yes, feel free to exclude any symptom if it makes your job easier.
Dr. Cameron: What about sex?
Dr. House: Well, it might get complicated. We work together. I am older, certainly, but maybe you like that.
Dr. Cameron: I meant maybe he has neurosyphilis.
Dr. House: Heh, nice cover. [winks]
[House and Foreman are betting about whether a patient's father is his biological father.]
Dr. House: Hit a nerve? Don't worry Foreman, I'm sure the guy who tucked you in at night was your daddy.
Dr. Foreman: Make that $100.
Dr. Cuddy: What are you doing here?
Dr. House: Hooker. Came to my office rather than my apartment.
Dr. House: [talking to Wilson about a patient and quickly changing the subject as he sees Dr. Cuddy coming] —the cutest little tennis outfit! My God, I thought I was going to have a heart attack! Oh my! I didn't see you there - That is so embarrassing...
Dr. Cuddy: How's your hooker doing?
Dr. House: Oh, sweet of you to ask, funny story, she was going to be a hospital administrator, but hated having to screw people like that.
Dr. House: Could we get off my screw-ups and focus on theirs? Theirs are bigger.
Patient's Mother: How can you just sit there?
Dr. House: If I eat standing up, I spill.
[House is talking to a mother who doesn't want vaccinations for her baby.]
Dr. House: You know another really good business? Teeny tiny baby coffins. You can get them in frog green or fire engine red. Really. The antibodies in yummy mummy only protect the kid for 6 months, which is why these companies think they can gouge you. They think that you'll spend whatever they ask to keep your kid alive. Want to change things? Prove them wrong. A few hundred parents like you decide they'd rather let their kid die than cough up 40 bucks for a vaccination, believe me, prices will drop really fast.
Mother: Tell me what she has.
Dr. House: A cold.
Dr. House: [to Cameron] Perseverance does not equal worthiness. Next time you want to get my attention, wear something fun. Low-riding jeans are hot.
Dr. House: Another reason I don't like meeting patients. If they don't know what you look like, they can't yell at you.
Dr. House: [to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Dr. Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
Dr. House: This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a BOARD...certified diagnostician with a double specialty in infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who is forced to be here against his will.
[House turns to face Dr. Cuddy.]
Dr. House: That is true, isn't it?
[He turns back to the crowd.]
Dr. House: But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? [nobody moves] And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?
[Everybody raises their hands.]
Dr. House: Okay. Well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind.
Dr. Cuddy: Jody Matthews?
[Jody raises her hand.]
Dr. Cuddy: Please accompany Doctor House to Exam Room One.
Dr. Cameron: Men should grow up.
Dr. House: Yeah, and dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not going to happen.
Dr. House:: What would you prefer - a doctor who holds your hand while you die or one who ignores you while you get better? I suppose it would particularly suck to have a doctor who ignores you while you die.
Dr. House: Her leg hurts after running six miles. Who knows, it could be anything!
Dr. House: Don't look away! The space monkeys will be all over you.
Dr. Cameron: I'm uncomfortable about sex.
Dr. Chase: Well, we don't have to talk about this…
Dr. Cameron: Sex could kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent, it's ugly and it's messy, and if God hadn't made it unbelievably fun, the human race would have died out eons ago. [pause to breathe deep and stare at each other] Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. Do you know that women can have an hour long orgasm?
Dr. Foreman: Occam's Razor. The simplest explanation is always the best.
Dr. House: And you think one is simpler than two?
Dr. Cameron: I'm pretty sure it is, yeah.
Dr. House: Baby shows up. Chase tells you that two people exchange fluids to create this being. I tell you that one stork dropped the little tyke off in a diaper. Are you going to go with the two or the one?
Dr. Foreman: I think your argument is specious.
Dr. House: I think your tie is ugly.
Dr. House: No, there is not a thin line between love and hate. There is, in fact, a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every twenty feet between love and hate.
Dr. Cuddy: Working with people actually makes you a better doctor.
Dr. House: When did I sign up for that course?
Dr. Cuddy: When did I give you the impression that I care?
Dr. House: Working in this clinic obviously instills a deep sense of compassion.
Dr. Wilson: Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth.
Dr. House: And triteness kicks us in the nads.
Dr. Wilson: So true...
Dr. Chase: [to Cameron] Have you ever taken a life?
Tattooed Walk-in Patient: [turning to leave] I should go.
Dr. House: You think it's going to come out on it's own? [the patient stops] Are we talking bigger than a bread basket? Because, actualy, it will come out on it's own, which for small stuff is no problem - it's wrapped up in a nice soft package and plopped. Big stuff - you're going to rip something which, speaking medically, is when the fun stops.
Tattooed Walk-in Patient: How did you--
Dr. House: You've been here half an hour and you haven't sat down, that tells me it's location. You haven't told me what it is, that tells me it's humiliating. You have a little birdy carved under your arm, and that tells me you have a high tolerance for humiliation, so I'm figuring it's not hemmerrhoids. [pause for akward silence] I've been a doctor twenty years. You're not going to surprize me.
Tattooed Walk-in Patient: It's an MP3 player.
Dr. House: [trying to keep himself from laughing] Hmm. Is it...is it because of the size, or the shape...or is it the pounding bass line?
Tattooed Walk-in Patient: What are we going to do?
Dr. House: I'm going to wait.
Tattooed Walk-in Patient: For what?!
[Scene change: House leaving the walk-in clinic]
Dr. House: [to the reception nurses] Okay. It's 3 o'clock, I'm off. Could you tell Dr. Cuddy there's a patient in exam room 2 that needs her attention? And the RIAA wants her to check for illegal downloads.
Dr. House: This is our fault. Doctors over-prescribing antibiotics. Got a cold? Take some penicillin. Sniffles? No problem. Have some azithromycin. Is that not working anymore? Oh, got your Levaquin. Antibacterial soaps in every bathroom. We'll be adding vancomycin to the water supply soon. We bred these superbugs. They're our babies. And they're all grown up and they've got body piercings and a lot of anger.
Dr. House: You have a parasite.
Jill: Like a tapeworm or something?...Can you do anything about it?
Dr. House: Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states.
Jill: Illegal?
Dr. House: Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites... (he shows her the ultrasound) It has your eyes.
Dr. House: Get up. We're going hunting.
Dr. Chase: For what?
Dr. House: Wabbits.
Dr. House: [To Cuddy] See, this is why I don't waste money on shrinks, cause you give me all these really great insights for free.
Dr. Cuddy: [smiling] Shrink. If you would consider going to a shrink, I would pay for it myself. The hospital would hold a bake sale, for God's sake.
Dr. House: Your husband is definitely the source of your 'mono'.
Jill: Oh, wow. Oh, thank God. Wow, I'm going to be a mom. Whoa, heh heh. Thank you so much; I gotta get you a gift or something.
Dr. House: Sometimes the best gift is the gift of never seeing you again.
Jill: Okay, all right! But, Dr. House, you've been so awesome. I mean, I really, totally trust you. Do you think you —
Dr. House: No.
Jill: — could do the prenatal?
Dr. House: No.
Jill: Or deliver the baby?
Dr. House: That would be no.
Jill: Okay!
Dr. Wilson: Sixth circle of Hell?
Dr. House: Confined in a sweat box with a bloody nose and all the tissues are soggy.
Dr. Wilson: I think that's the Seventh?
Dr. House: Nope. The Seventh...
Dr. Wilson: God, you must be fun at parties.
Dr. House: I think we both know the flaw in that theory.
Dr. House: I've been a doctor for years why do I have to keep assuring people I know what I'm doing?
Dr. House: What the hell are those?
Dr. Cameron: Candy canes.
Dr. House: Candy canes? Are you mocking me?
Nun: Sister Augustine believes in things that aren't real.
Dr. House: I thought that was a job requirement for you people.
[Dr. House tosses her a tea bag]
Dr. Cuddy: What is this? Hemlock?
Dr. House: You hate nuns. You can't hate someone if you don't know them.
Dr. Chase: Know any Nazis? Maybe I hate them on principle.
Dr. House: Since it's been untreated for so long, it's gone from a simple "watery eyes, scratchy throat" allergy, to a whopping "I'm gonna kick your ass" allergy.
Dr. House: I am both amused and annoyed that you think I should be less stubborn than you are.
Dr. House: You can have all the faith you want in spirits, and the afterlife, and heaven and hell, but when it comes to this world, don't be an idiot. Cause you can tell me you put your faith in God to put you through the day, but when it comes time to cross the road, I know you look both ways.
Dr. Wilson: How'd it go?
Dr. House: She has God inside her. It would have been easier to deal with a tumor.
Dr. Wilson: Maybe she's allergic to God.
Dr. House: You know how it is with nuns: you take out their IUDs and they bounce right back.
Lucas Palmero: This is a good hospital?
Dr. House: Depends what you mean by 'good'. [looks around] I like these chairs.
Dr. Foreman: [Referring to Dr. House] He's really talking to a patient.
Dr. Chase: I don't know who I am any more.
Dr. Chase: [Referring to Dr. House] He likes crazy people. He likes the way they think.
Dr. Foreman: They think...badly. That's the definition of...crazy.
Dr. Chase: They're not boring. He likes that.
Dr. House: So, when I said, no psych meds I'm just curious which word didn't you understand?
Dr. Foreman: The Haldol had nothing to do with the bleed. You know that. I used it purely as a chemical restraint.
Dr. House: Oh, great, well, that's good to hear. So she won't experience any of those pesky little side effects you get when your motives aren't pure.
[a patient needs a liver transplant]
Dr. Foreman: Mickey Mantle had a whole bar named after him - he got a transplant.
Dr. House: Yeah. Well, Lucy can't switch hit.
Dr. Cuddy: Good morning, Dr. House!
Dr. House: Good morning, Dr. Cuddy! Love that outfit. Says, I’m professional, but I’m still a woman. Actually, it sorta yells the second part.
Dr. Cuddy: Yeah, and your big cane is real subtle too.
Dr. House: Ah, my birthday. Normally I'd put on a festive hat and celebrate the fact that the Earth has circled the Sun one more time; I really didn't think it was going to make it this year, but darn it if it wasn't the little planet that could all over again.
Dr. House: I don't ask why patients lie. I just assume they all do.
Dr. House: I didn't know it was possible for a woman to be unusually irritable.
Dr. Cameron: Nice try, but you're a misanthrope, not a misogynist.
Dr. House: Fever. Clinical depression does not cause fever.
Dr. Foreman: She could be sick and depressed?
Dr. House: She's sick! Dammit, why didn't I think of that?
Dr. Cuddy: It takes two department heads to treat shortness of breath? What, do the complications increase exponentially with cup size?
Dr. Foreman: We've looked at everything else.
Dr. Wilson: Did you look at her breasts?
Dr. Cameron: [Looks at House]
Dr. House: [rolls eyes] Pff....Men!
Dr. Foreman: Why are you riding me?
Dr. House: It's what I do...has it gotten worse lately?
Dr. Foreman: Yeah. Seems to me.
Dr. House: Really. Well, that rules out the race thing. 'Cause you were just as black last week.
Dr. Wilson: I'm not gonna date a patient's daughter.
Dr. House: Very ethical. Of course, most married men would say they don't date at all.
Dr. Foreman: Sleeping sickness from sex?
Dr. House: It's not without precedent.
Dr. Foreman: I'm pretty sure it is, unless you're talking about going to Africa and having sex with the tsetse fly.
Dr. House: A Portuguese man was diagnosed three years ago with CNS affected sleeping sickness. His only connection with Africa was through a girlfriend who served under the military in Angola.
Dr. Chase: Oi, where'd you find that?
Dr. House: The journal do Instituto de Higiene e Medicina Tropical. You don't read Portuguese?
Dr. Cameron: You do?
Dr. House: I'm pretty sure that's what it said. Either that or it was an ad for sunglasses.
Dr. House: And then there was one. Patient comes in because she's sleeping too much. It takes ten doctors and a coma to diagnose sleeping sickness.
Dr. House: She's [Dr. Cuddy] all upset because we paid more attention to the other girl. You [Dr. Wilson] check out her ass; I've got the chest.
Dr. Foreman: Are you saying there is a brain tumor that three ER doctors, two neurologists and a radiologist missed?
Dr House: Partridge in a pear tree missed it as well.
Dr. Wilson: I love my wife.
Dr. House: You certainly love saying it.
Dr. House: As long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
Dr. Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.
Dr. House: So between us, we can do anything. We can rule the world!
Dr. House: Uh-oh. What's going on?
Dr. Cameron: I'm re-calibrating the centrifuge.
Dr. House: Turn around. [She does, and she's obviously been crying.] It's a very sad thing, an uncalibrated centrifuge. It makes me cry too.
Dr. House: You can't be that good a person and be well adjusted.
Dr. Cameron: Why?
Dr. House: Because you wind up crying over centrifuges.
Dr. Cameron: Or hating people.
Dr. Foreman: The kid was just taking his AP calculus exam when all of a sudden he got nauseous and disoriented.
Dr. House: That's the way calculus presents.
Dr. House: I am extremely disappointed. I send you out for exciting new designer drugs and you come back with tomato sauce.
Georgia: I notice colors more. And music. I- I'm really hearing music. I'm eighty-two, and I'm supposed to be playing canasta with the other old ladies, but... now when I see a guy with a cute butt...I just can't stop looking at him. [looks at House] Or a sexy beard.
Dr. House: And you figure that enjoying cute butts is a sign of disease?
Georgia: So I watched it. And it had this actor in it. This kid called Ashton Kutcher. Now, I think about Ashton all the time. All the time.
Dr. House: Aha.
Georgia: You remind me of him. Same bedroom eyes.
Dr. House: People are always mixing us up.
Dr. House: I assume 'minimal at best' is your stiff upper lip British way of saying "no chance in hell."
Dr. Chase: Actually, I'm Australian.
Dr. House: You put the Queen on your money, you're British.
Matt: Who are they?
Margo: Oh, they're the arrogant jerks that saved your life.
Dr. House: I, Margo Davis, have been informed of the risks which may arise from my refusal of advised medical care. I hereby release—
Margo: Who are you?
Dr. House: I work for the hospital. —the Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, its employees agents, and otherwise from any adverse medical conditions resulting from my refusal. It is not the hospital's fault if my son kicks off.
Margo: Kicks off?
Dr. House: I punched up the language, mostly for clarification. I understand my doctors consider my decision to be completely idiotic—
Margo: Why are you doing this?
Dr. House: —but I am convinced that I know more than they do. I took a biology course in high school, so yeah. Besides, I enjoy controlling every single aspect of my son's life, even if it means his death. Sign here, please. I brought a pen.
Margo: Who are you?
Dr. House: I'm the doctor who's trying to save your son. You're the mom who's letting him die. Clarification: it's a beautiful thing.
Dr. Wilson: [Reading a poem Georgia left for Dr. House] "The healer with his magic powers/I could rub his gentle brow for hours/His manly chest, his stubbled jaw/Everything about him leaves me raw-"
Dr. House: Psych ward's upstairs.
Dr. House: She's risking her son's life based on a teenager's claim that he washed something. How mentally incompetent can you get?
Dr. House: I'm sorry, but the fact that the sexual pleasure center of your cerebral cortex has been over-stimulated by spirochetes is a poor basis for a relationship. Learned that one the hard way.
Dr. House: I'm too handsome to do paperwork.
Mark: But Mom; you said Dad was your first love.
Georgia: He was. We're talking about sex.
Dr. Wilson: Hey, I'm a man. I don't have time for laundry. I'm saving lives here.
Dr. House: What can I say? Chicks with no teeth turn me on.
Dr. Wilson: That's fairly disgusting.
Dr. House: That's ageism.
Dr. Chase: Matt's mom won't make a move until she gets that opinion from the C.D.C.
Dr. Wilson: Godot would be faster.
Dr. House: Like I always say, there's no "I" in "team." There is a "me," though, if you jumble it up.
Dr. Foreman: You assaulted that man.
Dr. House: Fine. I'll never do it again.
Dr. Foreman: Yes, you will.
Dr. House: All the more reason this debate is pointless.
Dr. House: Hang on to that DNR, that signature could be worth a lot of money real soon.
Dr. Wilson: You know how some doctors have the Messiah complex - they need to save the world? You've got the "Rubix" complex; you need to solve the puzzle.
Dr. Foreman: He doesn't want you treating him!
Dr. House: They dropped the court order.
Dr. Wilson: Yeah, and that girl dropped the charges against Kobe. Doesn't mean that he should call her and see if she's free to get a sundae.
Dr. House: Life sucks. Your life sucks more than most. It's not as bad as some, which is depressing all by itself.
John: You don't risk jail and your career just to save somebody who doesn't want to be saved unless you got something, anything, one thing. The reason normal people got wives and kids and hobbies, whatever, that's because they don't got that one thing that hits them that hard and that true. I got music; you got this. The thing you think about all the time, the thing that keeps you south of normal. Yeah, makes us great, makes us the best. All we miss out on is everything else.
Dr. Wilson: So your philosophy is, 'If they don't want treatment, they get it shoved down their throat, but if it might cure their paralysis, whoa, better slow down.'
Dr. House: Yeah. My old philosophy used to be 'Live and let live,' but I'm taking this needlepoint class and they gave us these really big pillows.
Dr. House: He thinks you do your job, and what will be, will be. I think that what I do and what you do matters. He sleeps better at night. He shouldn't.
Dr. House: DNR means "Do Not Resuscitate", it does not mean "Do Not Treat"
[Woman enters]
Woman: Dr. House?
Dr. House: Cuddy sent me a stripper again? Love that woman, so thoughtful.
Woman: (smugly hands House a court order) Sorry.
[To John, who is also using a cane]
Dr. House: Fifty bucks says I beat you to the curb.
Dr. House: [to Foreman] And if you don't get your shot in, say, the next three hours, I'm going to have to make another affirmative action hire.
Dr. House: Okay, you two! Grab some scalpels and settle this like doctors.
Medical student: You're reading a comic book.
Dr. House: And you're calling attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top.
[Medical student stares at him]
Dr. House: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were having a state-the-obvious contest. I'm competitive by nature.
Dr. Wilson: You really don't need to know everything about everybody.
Dr. House: I don't need to watch The O.C., but it makes me happy.
Dr. Wilson: You know, in some cultures, it's considered almost rude for one friend to spy on another. Of course, in Swedish, the word "friend" can also be translated as "limping twerp."
Dr. Foreman: What's so fascinating about this case?
Dr. House: At the moment, how much you don't want me to take it.
Dr. Wilson: I forgot: I need a reason to give a crap.
Dr. House: You're giving two craps.
Dr. Wilson: The metric system always confuses me.
Dr. Wilson: Did your pager really just go off, or are you ditching the conversation?
Dr. House: Why can't both be true?
Dr. Chase: You're joking.
Dr. House: Well, hard not to - nothing funnier than cancer.
Student: I thought you were supposed to be listening to our patient histories.
Dr. House: Nope. I'm supposed to be teaching you. If I can do that without listening, more power to me.
Dr. House: [holds up a sweater] Vomit. Still moist. [sniffs] What do you think - a couple of days old? [puts it in Chase's face]
Dr. Chase: Uhhh, trying to make me hurl?
Dr. House: And here's the grand finale. [tastes vomit] Hmmm, salty.
Dr. Cuddy: You tried to steal someone else's test?
Dr. Foreman: Dr. Terharg is a plastic surgeon. The woman was getting a six-month checkup on a chin implant.
Dr. Cuddy: I can't believe you authorized this.
Dr. House: Really? Sounds exactly like something I'd do.
Dr. House: Your turn, you gonna tell me why this case?
Dr. Wilson: She's my new girlfriend, I'm having a tattoo designed, I was hoping you could find out her name.
Dr. House: Lesson to be learned: treat everybody as if they have Korsakoff's, we all lie anyway.
Dr. Cuddy: You know, there are other ways to manage pain.
Dr. House: Like what, laughter? Meditation? Got a guy who can fix my third chakra?
[House barges into the operating theater without scrubbing down.]
Dr. House: Stop the gasses.
Dr. Hourani: What the hell are you doing, House?!
Dr. House: Saving a sixteen year old kid from a lifetime of immunosuppresant drugs and a very nasty scar. This kid does not have lupoid hepatitis. He has acute naphtalene toxicity.
Dr. Hourani: Naphtalene? You're talking about mothballs?
Dr. House: Nope. Termites, which produce naphtalene to protect their nest, which I'm assuming is fairly large and in all four walls of his bedroom at home.
Dr. Hourani: And your assumption is based on…what?
Dr. House: The autopsy I just conducted on his pet cat.
Dr. Hourani: Call Cuddy. And security.
Dr. House: You're not removing that kid's liver.
Dr. Hourani: Now!
[House retches and spits on Hourani.]
Dr. Hourani: GAH! Have you COMPLETELY lost your mind?!
Dr. House: No, but I've been feeling sick lately.
[House sneezes onto some tissue and drops it next to the surgery tools.]
Anesthesiologist: There's no way we can do this surgery now.
Dr. Hourani: You think?!
Dr. Wilson: You alienate people.
Dr. House: I've been alienating people since I was three.
Dr. House: Let me talk to shipping, I speak their language.
Dr. House: His liver is shutting down.
Father: What? What does that mean?
Dr. House: Means he's all better, he can go home.
Father: What?
Dr. House: What do you think it means? He can't live without a liver, he's dying.
Father: What is your problem?
Dr. House: Bum leg, what's yours?
Pharmacist: Okay, pharmaceuticals were delivered this morning, but shipping accidentally sent the box with Vicodin to research.
Dr. House: Hmmm. That's a tough one. If only we had some way to communicate with another part of the building.
[He picks up the phone.]
Dr. Cuddy: You're addicted.
Dr. House: If the pills ran my life, I'd agree with you, but it's my leg busy calendaring what I can't do.
Dr. Wilson: She's hot, so she's a hooker? What kind of pathetic logic is that?
Dr. House: The envious, jealous, I-never-got-any-in-high-school kind of logic, hello!
Dr. Cuddy: So that's your plan? You're gonna play chicken with the kid's life?
Dr. House: Well, he's the dad. I should win easily.
Dr. House: I take risks; sometimes patients die. But not taking risks causes more patients to die, so I guess my biggest problem is I've been cursed with the ability to do the math.
Dr. House: I said I was an addict. I didn't say I had a problem.
Dr. Cameron: If this were a regular guy who came in and broke his arm lifting a box, you would've packed him up and sent him home!
Dr. House: My God, you're right, I lost my head. All life is equally sacred. And I promise you, the next knitting injury that comes in here, we're on it like stink on cheese.
Patient: I can't get my contact lenses out-
Dr. House: Out of what? They're not in your eyes.
Patient: But they're red.
Dr. House: That's because you're trying to remove your corneas.
Hank: I am clean, man, no steroids, no nothing.
Dr. House: Your lips say no, your prunes say yes.
Dr. House: "Hypo-gonadism." Ain't that a great word? Thanks - we don't get to say it enough.
Dr. House: You take a perverse pleasure at turning me down.
Dr. Cuddy: It's what I live for. Once in a while, though, try to ruin my day. Ask me something I can say "yes" to.
Dr. House: Very noble gesture. My favorite kind: dramatic, yet completely empty.
Lola: You got a big "Keep Out" sign stapled on your forehead.
Dr. House: That explains it, I told them to put it on my door.
Lola: Even if real human contact is something you don't have or even want or need, you should at least be able to see it in other people.
Dr. House: Yeah. Right. True love. That's just how we match organs these days. There's a couple in France, high school sweethearts - they're trading brains.
Dr. House: What, you're saying I've only got one friend?
Dr. Wilson: Uh, and who…?
Dr. House: …Kevin, in Bookkeeping.
Dr. Wilson: Okay, well first of all, his name's Carl.
Dr. House: I call him Kevin. It's a secret "friendship club" name.
Dr. House: Believe me, I'd much rather be with your better half. And by better half, of course, I mean the one who struck out Sammy Sosa on three pitches and talks a lot less.
Dr. Cameron: Would you give up a baby for someone you love?
Dr. House: Please tell me I don't have to decide. Depends, how long would they live?
Dr. Cameron: Is this a pragmatic question for you?
Dr. House: Fifty years, no problem. Six months, I say let '
[House has just invited Cameron to a Monster Truck Jam.]
Dr. Cameron: Like a…date?
Dr. House: Exactly. Except for the "date" part.
Dr. House: Wait a second, is that Stacy the stripper? I heard she's playing Atlantic City.
Dr. Wilson: No, Stacy the constitutional lawyer.
Dr. House: You see, kidneys don't wear watches. Sure, gallbladders do, but it doesn't matter, 'cause kidneys can't tell time.
Dr. Wilson: How much?
Dr. House: True cost, no man can say.
Dr. Wilson: Could that man's accountant say?
Dr. House: Hank Wiggen peed on me. What do you think these pants are worth on eBay?
Dr. House: Everybody does stupid things, it shouldn't cost them everything they want in life.
Dr. Cuddy: No, it shouldn't, but it usually does. On the other hand…it means someone can actually beat the Yankees.
Dr. Chase: Mr. Wiggen? The urine sample.
Hank: I wanna say no, so I am. No.
Lola: Trust is a big issue in early recovery. He really did gain the weight honestly.
Dr. Chase: If you say so.
Hank: You're not getting it. [To Lola] He thinks I'm an idiot.
Dr. Chase: He sure does.
[Chase smiles and points to the catheter bag that is collecting urine from Hank.]
Dr. House: Less money is made by biochemists working on a cure for cancer than by their colleagues struggling valiantly to find ways to hide steroid use.
Dr. Cuddy: You put him on Lupron.
Dr. House: Uh-huh.
Dr. Cuddy: And, you told them it was like milk.
Dr. House: Yes.
Dr. Cuddy: Is there any way in which that is not a lie?
Dr. House: It's creamy. But, I had three reasons.
Dr. Cuddy: Good ones?
Dr. House: Well, we'll see in a minute; I'm just making them up now.
Dr. Cameron: Do you have to be religious to believe a fetus is a life?
Dr. House: There seems to be a correlation.
Dr. House: So, what's killing him? And who shares my suspicions that the Yankees are somehow involved?
Dr. Cuddy: Twelve year old male, spiking fever, congested chest, coughing up green sputum, shortness of breath, pain in breathing...
Dr. House: Baffling, though I vaguely recall a disease called moonomia...noo-mania...?
Dr. Cuddy: But he tested negative for pneumonia.
Dr. House: Pneumonia! That's the one!
Dr. House: You're Chase's dad. It's hard to miss, with the big hug and how happy he was to see you.
Dr. House: A secret club? What's the secret - they're all morons?
Dr. Chase: How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life?
Dr. House: I'd hate it. That's why I cleverly have no personal life.
Gabe: Who are you?
Dr. House: The little ones call me "Uncle Greg."
Dr. Chase: I don't hate him. I loved him until I figured out it hurts a lot less to just not care. You don't expect him to turn up to your football match? No disappointments. You don't expect a call on your birthday, don't expect to see him for months? No disappointments. You want us to go make up? Sink a few beers together, nice family hug? I've given him enough hugs. He's given me enough disappointments.
Dr. Cuddy: Just enlarged hylar lymph nodes.
Dr. House: Tiny unicorns goring his bronchial tubes would be cooler.
Dr. House: Take another history. Even if we don't figure out what's causing this, we definitely need to know if twelve-year-olds are getting any action.
Dr. House: You want to know how two chemicals interact. Do you ask them? No, they're going to lie through their lying little chemical teeth. Throw them in a beaker and apply heat.
Dr. Wilson: God! Even I don't like you.
Dr. House: Come on, there's no reason you both can't be wrong.
Dr. House: You haven't told Robert. You don't want to burden him because you were such a lousy dad.
Rowan Chase: I'd prefer you not tell him.
Dr. House: Yeah, it's better. I'll get to see his face when he reads his dad's obituary.
Rowan Chase: Robert was right. You said multiple neurofibromatosis.
Dr. House: Are you saying that for the chance of a beautiful family moment, or is there some medicine involved?
Dr. Wilson: [Telling Dr. House why he didn't mention Rowan Chase's terminal condition] It is a juicy piece of gossip. You know what happened? I got all focused on his cancer and lost perspective.
Dr. Cameron: Parents are never as bad as kids think they are.
Dr. House: You mentioned two obscure diseases to Dr. Chase. How'd you know about them?
Jeffrey: I read about them on the internet.
Dr. House: So, what'd you search for? Diseases from Asia that don't match my son's symptoms?
Dr. House: As fascinating as our bodies are, they're also stupid.
[The hospital's just been bought by billionaire drug mogul Edward Vogler]
Dr. House: No, I have seen every scary movie ever made. Six-year old twins in front of an elevator with blood. Boys' choirs. Those are bad omens. This is much more mundane. A billionaire wants to get laid.
Dr. Wilson: Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect.
Dr. House: And the reason you want respect...?
Dr. Wilson: To...get laid.
Dr. Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat.
Dr. House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.
Dr. House: She's the CEO of Sonyo Cosmetics. Three assistants and fifteen VPs checked out who should be treating her. Who da man? I da man. I always suspected.
Dr. Cuddy: [Referring to Dr. House] He's different.
Vogler: Everyone's buddy?
Dr. Cuddy: No, not exactly ...
Dr. House: Haven't done the MUGA.
Dr. Wilson: Then how do you know she needs a heart transplant?
Dr. House: I got my aura read today. It said someone close to me had a broken heart.
Dr. House: [To Dr. Cameron] Read less. More TV.
Dr. Wilson: She was uncomfortable doing any more tests! I had to convince her to do that one!
Dr. House: Do you get that often? Women would rather die than get naked with you?
Dr. House: You value our friendship more than your ethical responsibilities.
Dr. Wilson: Our friendship is an ethical responsibility.
Dr. Cameron: Your dumb patient —
Dr. House: [Interrupting] They're all... Oh, the guy who can't talk.
Dr. House: [After intending to play Baba O'Riley on iPod, but playing Hava Nagila instead] That was not as dramatic as I intended it to be.
Son of mute man: He can't talk.
Dr House: Excuse me?
Son: He had a knee surgery.
Dr House: Right.
Son: About a year ago. And then - he couldn't talk.
Dr House: Right. That happens, you know, it's pretty dangerous operating so close to the vocal cords.
Bill: His name's Joey, he's my only brother.
Dr. House: He's important to you. Got it. No placebos for him, we'll use the real medicine.
Dr. Chase: You can trust me.
Dr. House: Problem is, if I can't trust you, I can't trust your statement that I can trust you. But thanks anyway, you've been a big help.
Dr. House: Need the lawyer.
Vogler: Who'd you kill?
Dr. House: Nobody, but it's not even lunch.
Dr. House: Your brother has ornithine transcarbamylase deficiency. You want me to write it down? Good, because it takes a while.
Dr. House: We're a bit of a specialized hospital. We generally only deal with patients when they're actually sick.
Dr. Chase: [About Dr. Cameron] Uh-huh. And why is her test better than mine?
Dr. House: Because she's cuter. Though it's close.