Assistant: You can't go in there.
Dr. House: Who are you? And why are you wearing a tie?
Assistant: I'm Dr Cuddy's new Assistant. Can I tell her what it's regarding?
Dr. House: Yes! I would like to know why she gets a Secretary and I don't.
Assistant: I'm her Assistant, not her Secretary. I graduated from
Dr. House: Hmm... I didn't know they had a
Dr. House: You met me at a strip club.
Stacy: You were the worst two dollars I ever spent.
Dr. House: Death row guy. I want the case.
Dr. Cuddy: How do you even know about him? You don't have access to the hospital's mainframe.
Dr. House: No, but "partypants" does.
Dr. Cuddy: You stole my password?
Dr. House: Hardly counts as stealing; it's a pretty obvious choice.
Dr. House: Well, I don't want to say anything bad about another doctor, especially a useless drunk.
Dr. Cuddy: You're addicted to pain pills.
Dr. House: But I'm not useless.
Dr. House: You know how they say, "you can't live without love"? Well, oxygen is even more important.
Dr. House: I have to make him [a patient on death row] all better before shipping him back for the state to kill him. Is it just me, or is that weird?
Dr. Cameron: I took an oath to do no harm.
Dr. House: Yeah, well, it's not like they made you sign it or anything.
Dr. Chase: How does an inmate on death row get his hands on heroin?
Dr. Foreman: Are you serious?
Dr. House: The man knows prisons. When we've got a yachting question, we'll come to you.
Dr. House: [closing the blinds so he can’t see Stacy] What? Mommy and Daddy are having a little fight, it doesn’t mean we’ve stopped loving you. Now, go outside and play. Get Daddy some smokes and anarterial blood gas test.
Dr. Foreman: You killed four people. Somehow, making mac and cheese just the way he wants kind of loses its significance.
Dr. Wilson: You know why people are nice to other people?
Dr. House: Oh, I know this one. Because people are good, decent and caring. Either that, or people are cowards. If I’mmean to you, you’ll be mean to me. Mutually assured destruction.
Dr. House: I know you're friends with her, but there is a code. Bros before hos, man.
Dr. House: Do I have to spell it out for you? Pheochromocytoma. Actually, I'm not sure how you spell it.
[Regarding taking on the case of a man on death row]
Dr. Foreman: Aren't there better ways to spend our time?
Dr. House: Good question. What makes a person deserving? Is a man who cheats on his wife more deserving than a man who kills his wife?
Dr. Foreman: Uh yeah. Actually, he is.
Dr. House: What about a child molester? Certainly not a good guy, but he didn't kill anybody. Maybe he can get antibiotics, but no MRIs. What about you? What medical care should you be denied for being a car thief? Tell you what: the three of you work out a list of what medical treatments a person loses based on the crime they committed. I'll review it when I get back.
Warden: Your patient shanked one inmate his first month here, broke another one's neck, nearly decapitated one of my guards.
Dr. House: Relax, I've got a great bedside manner.
Warden: Don't have a respirator.
Dr. House: Better get one in about an hour, or you're gonna lose him.
Warden: I'll make out a requisition. The state's already sentenced this man to die.
Dr. House: I think the state was a tad more specific about how.
Stacy: It was easy once I convinced the clerk to take it to Judge Markem; he's a sucker for Eighth Amendment arguments.
Dr. House: Stop, I'm getting turned on.
Dr. Cameron: A spot on an x-ray doesn't necessarily mean that she's terminal.
Dr. House: I love children. So filled with hope.
Dr. House: God, I've got to learn not to beat around the bush.
Dr. Chase: I'm against the death penalty in principle. In practice, however, watching a murderer die causes me a lot less grief than annoying my boss.
Dr. Cameron: Black defendants are ten times more likely to get a death sentence than whites.
Dr. Foreman: Doesn't mean we need to get rid of the death penalty, do we? It just means we need to kill more white people.
Dr. House: I just don't want you working here, in my office. But anywhere else in the building is fine. It's a big hospital.
Stacy: I'm a lawyer. You're a jerk. There's gonna be some overlap.
Dr. House: God, I hope that was a euphemism.
Stacy: Cuddy just reamed me.
Dr. House: I hope that one means what I think it means.
Dr. House: Who wants to head over to the prison and find Clarence's secret stash?
Dr. Foreman: Fine, I'll do it.
Dr. House: Great! Chase it is.
Dr. Chase: I assume you have a reason beyond wanting to make me completely miserable?
Dr. House: You've got a prettier mouth. Better chance the inmates will open up to you.
Dr. House: Why are you talking to me?
Stacy: Can't it be enough that I want to cause you pain?
Dr. Chase: No lesions, no aneurysms. Ironically, the mind of a killer looks completely normal.
Dr. Cuddy: House!
Dr. House: [Mimicking Scooby Doo] Ruh-roh.
Death Row Guy: I feel like I'm gettin' stabbed!
Dr. House: Well, he'd know.
Dr. Chase: If she's never kissed a boy, it's a fair bet she's never had sex.
Dr. House: Tell that to all the hookers that won't kiss me on the mouth.
Dr. House: Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?
Dr. Cuddy: Are you high?
Dr. House: If it's Tuesday, I'm wasted.
Dr. Cuddy: It's Wednesday.
Dr. Cuddy: You're actually talking about killing her.
Dr. House: Just for a little while, I'll bring her right back.
Dr. Cuddy: Oh, well, in that case go ahead. Why are we even talking?
Dr. Foreman: We can do that if you want to ignore what we just discussed.
Dr. House: Sounds good.
Dr. House: Union rules. I can't check out this guy's seeping gonorrhea this close to lunch.
Dr. Foreman: Her oxygen saturation is normal.
Dr. House: It's off by one percentage point.
Dr. Foreman: It's within range. It's normal.
Dr. House: If her DNA was off by one percentage point, she'd be a dolphin.
Dr. House: You see grace because you want to see grace.
Dr. Wilson: You don't see grace because you won't go anywhere near her.
Dr. House: Sore throat?
[The patient uncovers himself, revealing blood on his pants.]
Dr. House: It's not lupus. Well, not everyone can operate a zipper. Up, down, what comes next?
Patient: My new girlfriend had never been with a guy who wasn't circumcised. So she freaked, and...
Dr. House: Aha. And she wanted Rifka to feel all kabuchtlicht. I get it. It's ashonda.
[The patient pulls down his pants while House closes the blinds. House turns around, and recoils in horror.]
Dr. House: Ahh!
Patient: I got some boxcutters. And, um...
Dr. House: Just like Abraham did it.
Patient: I sterilized them, which I was told you're supposed to...
Dr. House: Stop talking. I'm going to get a plastic surgeon. To get the Twinkie back in the wrapper.
Dr. Foreman: We could bolt her to the table.
House: Gruesome and low-tech; kiss me, I love it.
Dr. House: I'm happy to report that we are now so in sync, we're actually wearing each other's underwear.
Dr. House: If I tried a scheme like this, you'd get that nasty wrinkly face and screech like a hyena. Very sexy, I admit.
Dr. House: The good news is he won't be bitching about losing his hand if he can't breathe.
Dr. House: Might have mentioned this earlier, Doctor. Maybe we could have sent some blood cultures to the lab, instead of wasting a day indulging your self-loathing.
Dr. Foreman: I'm not breaking into my boss's house.
Dr. House: I'm your boss.
Dr. Chase: She's scarier than you are.
[Doctors House, Foreman, and Chase are about to break into Dr. Cuddy's house]
Dr. House: What do you think? Red thongs? I think red thongs.
Dr. Cuddy: Are you being intentionally dense?
Dr. House: (in sarcastic tone) Huh?
Stacy: How's Cuddy doing?
Dr. House: She's not acting like Cuddy. It's a pleasure.
Stacy: You know her. She has trouble with these situations, feels personally responsible.
Dr. House: Technical term is narcissism. You can't believe everything is your fault unless you also believe you're all powerful.
Patient: I'm not buying into no racist drug, okay?
Dr. House: It's racist because it helps black people more than white people? Well, on behalf of my peeps, let me say, thanks for dying on principle for us.
Patient: Look. My heart's red; your heart's red. And it don't make no sense to give us different drugs.
Dr. House: You know, I have found a difference. Admittedly, it's a limited sample, but it's my experience in the last ninety seconds that all black people are morons. Sorry, African-Americans.
Dr. House: You've lost perspective, Cuddy. You've stopped looking at this as a doctor. You're acting like someone who shoved somebody off their roof. You want to make things right? Too bad. Nothing's ever right.
Dr. House: Your guilt. It's perverse, and it makes you a crappy doctor. It also makes you okay at what you do.
Dr. Cuddy: You figure a perverted sense of guilt makes me a good boss?
Dr. House: Now, would the world be a better place if people never felt guilty? Makes sex better. [Pointing to Stacy] Should have seen her in the last months of our relationship.
Dr. Cuddy: House, I'm not naive. I realize—
Dr. House: If you did, you never would have hired me. You're not happy unless things are just right. Which means two things: you're a good boss, and you'll never be happy. By the way why does everyone think that you and I had sex? think there could be something to it? [shudders]
Dr. Chase: You're just too nasty to each other to have not been, well, nasty.
Dr. House: Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good.
[Talking to a patient who has been diagnosed with a cat allergy]
Dr. House: You're allergic. We can control it with antihistamines, one pill a day.
Mandy: Pills?
Dr. House: You don't like to swallow? I'm not surprised. Forget the pills, I'll give you a nasal spray.
Mandy: Steroids? Is there something else you can give me?
Dr. House: Well, if you live by the river, I've got a bag.
Dr. Cuddy: Dr. Sebastian Charles collapsed during a presentation at Stoia Tucker.
Dr. House: Really? Crushed under the weight of his own ego?
Dr. House: The nameless poor have a face, and it's a pompous white man.
Dr. House: Welcome aboard the Good Ship Asskisser. Nice day for a sail. Pucker up, me hearties.
Dr. Cameron: He asked me out.
Dr. Chase: I'm shocked.[Cameron glares at him]I'm shocked when patients don't ask you out.
Dr. Cameron: He also asked me to come to
Dr. Chase: Boy, he moves fast.
Dr. Foreman: What's the emergency?
Dr. House: [Looking at his yo-yo] I can't remember how to do Walk the Dog.
Sebastian: [Snaps his fingers] Another person just died. Where is your outrage?
Dr. House: [Keeps snapping] Sure, they're dying, but it's got a great beat.
Sebastian: Nah, TB's my disease.
Dr. House: You own a disease? Well, I'm sorry I missed the IPO on dengue fever.
Dr. House: Take the pills or I let you die, do an autopsy, call my own press conference, and make sure the world knows that you didn't die of TB. Corporate sponsors will be disappointed, but they'll find another disease.
Sebastian: Why would you do that?
Dr. House: Because I'm just a mean son of a bitch.
Sebastian: Every minute 4 people die of TB.
Dr. House: Wow, how can you sleep at night?
Sebastian: There's people dying in Africa of a disease that we cured over 50 years ago...
Dr. House: Yeah, I know. I saw the concert. Seriously, let's say you sleep six hours, that means every night you kill 1440 people. I guess you gotta get some sleep, but come on, if you'd stayed up another 10 minutes you could have saved 40 lives. Do you send notes to the families in the morning? That's gonna take at least ten minutes, so that's another 40 dead, another 40 notes... why don't you go wrack yourself with guilt in your own room?
[While pointing to Sebastian and talking to newspeople]
Dr. House THAT IS NOT TB!
[Cuts to Drs. Wilson and Foreman]
Dr. Wilson Compelling television.
[To Newsweek reporter]
Dr. House: In my opinion, Dr. Sebastian Charles is an idiot! Yeah, you can quote me... C-U-D-D-Y.
Dr. House: Every minute that we refuse to love one another, another puppy cries another tear.
Dr. Wilson: You're just mad that he's closer to a Nobel Prize than you are.
Dr. House: And yet I've nailed more Swedish babes. Crazy, crazy world.
Dr. Wilson: It's not just the trip to Stockholm, you know. It comes with a cash prize.
Dr. House: Seriously? No wonder everybody is going after that peace thing.
Dr. House: There's an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends. And there's an evolutionary imperative why we don't give a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn't function.
Dr. Foreman: Hmmm. So, the great humanitarian's as selfish as the rest of us.
Dr. House: Just not as honest about it.
Sebastian: What he [House] just did -;
Dr. Foreman: Abusive and unprofessional. If he hadn't done it, we wouldn't have seen the problem.
Sebastian: I think doctors like House cling to objectivity like a three-year-old to a blanket: don't get too worked up, stay calm, stay cool, and maintain that correct perspective. The only flaw in their argument is, when you have millions of people dying, the correct perspective is to be yelling at the top of your lungs.
Dr. House: He's not even a real doctor; he's a human telethon.
Dr. Wilson: Is that your problem with him? You see hypocrites every day. Why is this guy so special?
Dr. House: You think I have a hypocritical attitude to hypocrisy? The problem is there are 26 letters in the alphabet, and he only uses two of them. He treats thousands of patients with one diagnosis. He knows the answer going in. It's cheating.
Dr. House: You are as big a media whore as he is.
Dr. Cuddy: Of course I am. It couldn't possibly be that I think he's right, and I'd like to be a small part of what he's doing.
Dr. House: Oh, whores can like the sex. Doesn't mean they're not whores.
Dr. House: You want third-world treatment? [Turns up the thermostat] You got it. Boy, is it hot here in Jani!
Dr. Cameron: What are you doing?
Dr. House: What am I doing? [He knocks Sebastian's things onto the floor] Putting everything on the floor of the hut. Uh oh, wicked magic box with the moving pictures!
Dr. Cameron: You think he's a hypocrite?
Dr. House: [Unplugging the TV] Hypocrite? No, everyone in Africa's got cell phones or running water. [He has dropped Sebastian's cell phone in the toilet] This thing just will not flush.
Sebastian: Do you really think that if you come in here and make it a little hot, make it smell a little, that I'm just going to fold and abandon everything that matters to me?
Dr. House: [Wiping his cane on Sebastian's blanket] Lousy sanitation over there, too. You are not the same as them; your life is not the same. And you are cheapening everything they're going through by pretending you are.
Dr. House: Do you notice how all the self-sacrificing women in history; Joan of Arc, Mother Theresa, can't think of any others; they all die alone. The men, on the other hand, get so much fuzz, it's crazy.
Dr. Foreman: Good? This is bizarre.
Dr. House: Bizarre is good! Common has hundreds of explanations. Bizarre has hardly any.
Dr. Foreman: We can't avoid her forever.
Dr. House: Eventually she'll die... You sure she doesn't have breast cancer?
Dr. Wilson: We're discussing your new patient.
Dr. House: Must be a boring discussion seeing as how I haven't accepted a new patient.
Dr. Wilson: You accepted him the moment I loaned you five grand.
Dr. House: Oooohhhh...wait, wait. When I said I'd do anything for the money, obviously I didn't mean it.
Dr. Cameron: Why would you need five thousand dollars?
Dr. Chase: Bad night at poker...or great night with a hooker?
Dr. House: Thank you for saving me the trouble of deflecting that personal question with a joke.
Dr. Wilson: If you have the money, then why did you need the loan?
Dr. House: I didn't. Just wanted to see if you would give it to me. I've been borrowing increasing amounts ever since you lent me forty dollars a year ago. A little experiment to see where you draw the line.
Dr. Wilson: You're...you're trying to...objectively measure how much I value our friendship?!
Dr. House: Hey, it's five grand. You've got nothing to be ashamed of.
Dr. Wilson: I lied. I've been lying to you in increasing amounts ever since I told you you looked good unshaved, a year ago. It's a little experiment, you know, see where you draw the line.
Dr. House: Gimme a reason to get out of this, and I'll tell you who started the rumour about you being a transsexual.
Dr. Cuddy: There is no such rumor.
Dr. House: There will be unless you get me out of this dinner.
Ken: I know the way things work - the better my job, the better my son gets treated.
Dr. House: Right. That's why I'm mad. 'Cause we wasted all that filet mignon on you.
Dr. Cameron: Who was that?
Dr. House: Angelina Jolie. I call her mom. Who thinks that's sexy?
Dr. Cameron: So it's OK to lie to House, but not to a patient.
Dr. Cuddy: Yep!
[Taddy is being wheeled in on a gurney]
Dr. House: You Taddy?
Taddy: What?
Dr. House: Love the name. If I ever have a dog...
Dr. House: Now we're getting somewhere.
Dr. Foreman: Where?
Dr. House: I have no idea.
Dr. Foreman: You have no evidence to support a poisoning diagnosis.
Dr. House: Which is why it's gonna be so cool when I turn out to be right.
Dr. House: [after injecting the cyclist] It makes the symptoms go away for five or six minutes. [patient falls to the ground] Sometimes less. This is exactly why I created nurses...cleanup on aisle three!
Stacy: Believe me, if I weren't married I'd be all over you like red on rice.
Dr. House: But rice isn't... ohhhhhhh, you!
Dr. House: You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a...I can't think of a non-sexual metaphor.
Dr. House: What makes a guy start drooling? Chase, were you wearing your short shorts?
Dr. Chase: You were right.
Dr. House: Now there went three wasted words.
Dr. Cameron: It's kind of a long shot.
Dr. House: Yeah, but it's been over an hour since we poked the patient with something sharp. Get him a lumbar puncture.
Dr. House: You are healed. [sticks the patient in the thigh] Rise and walk.
Patient: Are you insane?
Dr. House: In the Bible, they just say, "Yes, Lord" and start on in with the praising.
[Patient protests but regains feeling and gets up]
Patient: What did you do?
Dr. House: What did you do, Lord?
Stacy: We need to talk.
Dr. House: Oh, God. Are you pregnant? 'Cause I really wanna finish high school.
Dr. House: She [Stacy] can't handle working with me.
Dr. Cuddy: Oh, right, yeah, she's still got a thing for you, making it impossible for her to deal, makes perfect sense. Except for the pronouns!
Jeff: I do straight blood doping.
Dr. Cuddy: Plot twist!
Dr. House: That's a very daring confession.
Manager: We've got confidentiality, right?
Dr. House: Assuming I'm more ethical than your client.
Dr. House: The air is keeping him from breathing air. Let's go with that for the irony.
Dr. Foreman: With all due respect, man, I doubt there's anything wrong with you that you didn't do to yourself.
Dr. Chase: Micky Mantle was an alcoholic.
Dr. Cameron: At least he had his own home runs. He didn't physically alter himself.
Dr. Chase: We take drugs to help us fall asleep, stay awake—
Dr. Cameron: We don't make careers out of who can stay awake the longest!
Dr. Chase: Really? Ever been to, oh, I don't know, med school?
Dr. Foreman: Er, guys? He plays a game for a living. Who cares?
Dr. House: How's your recovery going? Gotten around to the small muscles yet?
Mark: It's not the size of the muscle; it's where you get to put it.
Stacy: My goodness, it's like watching Oscar Wilde and Noel Coward in the third grade.
Dr. Wilson: Mark is in group therapy for people coping with disability. He was thinking about developing a drug addiction, but that would be stupid.
Dr. House: Hey, you're... [House gestures back and forth between Wilson and himself] Ohhh, you again!
Dr. Cameron: Kids love him, and he's not who they think he is. It's not right.
Dr. Wilson: Who cares if he's what he says he is? Who the hell is? If love's based on lies, does that mean it's not a real feeling? Doesn't it bring the same pleasure?
Manager: Okay, I should have told you. It's not just about the races, Jeff; it's about your image, okay? If you come back from cancer, those sponsors will be all over you. Okay, so I messed up, but I did not give you EPO!
Jeff: That stuff could kill me.
Dr. House: Come on, give her a break. She's only doing what she has to to advance her career. Don't you have that tattooed on your tushie?
Dr. Cameron: I fell in love with my husband's best friend. Near the end I was at the hospital every day and Joe would come by after work, and go for walks, and trying to talk each other through it. We got to clung to each other.
Dr. Wilson: My wife wasn't dying, she wasn't even sick - everything was fine. I met someone who made me feel funny. Good. And I didn't wanna let that feeling go. What happened to you? How can anyone go through that alone. You can't control your emotions.
Dr. Cameron: No, just your actions.
Dr. Wilson: You didn't do it, did you. You didn't sleep with him?
Dr. Cameron: I couldn't have lived with myself.
Dr. Wilson: You'ld be suprised what you can live with.
Dr. House: I had therapy here this morning and left my cane.
Janitor: Sorry.
Dr. House: Dude. I'm crippled.
[Janitor pauses then unlocks the door]
Dr. House: Now let go of my cane before it becomes your new boyfriend.
Kalvin: Honey, I will marry it if you would look at my file.
Dr. House: Congress says you can't, so...
Dr. House: Just 'cause he says I hit him doesn't make it true. Watch. [Shouts to the heavens] I am surrounded by naked cheerleaders! [Nothing happens] See?
Dr. House: Steve McQueen without hair? It's a blessing he died young.
Dr. House: I am not treating you.
Kalvin: What, because you're a closet case?
Dr. Wilson: Er... we're not... er... together.
Dr. House: He is so self-loathing.
[Dr. House is with Stacy in her house.]
Mark: What's going on?
Dr. House: It's not what you think. I know it looks like we're cleaning dishes, but actually, we're having sex.
Dr. Foreman: Have you read his file?
Dr. House: I started, but I found the characters two-dimensional.
Dr. Wilson: If you want her back, either tell her, or, better yet, shut up and cry yourself to sleep like everybody else.
Dr. Cameron: I love my job.
Kalvin: Really? You seem more the "find it exceptionally satisfying" type.
Dr. Cameron: I have fun.
Dr. Chase: Yeah, she's got some scheduled for February.
Dr. Chase: Pre-World War II fluorescent bulbs contained large amounts of beryllium. Beryllium dust inflames the lungs, they get rigid, patient can't breathe. [Dr. House gives him a questioning look] My father co-authored a paper on acute berylliosis.
Dr. House: Phew! For a moment there I thought you were smart.
Kalvin: [To Dr. Cameron] Oh, would you stop being nice? It's useless, and worse, it's boring.
Dr. House: He thought he was dying. Dying people lie, too. Wish they'd worked less, they'd been nicer, they'd opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it, you don't save it for sound byte.
Dr. Chase: Last night probably shouldn't happen again.
Dr. Cameron: Do you think I want it to?
Dr. Chase: When two people have had sex, unless it sucks, if they can do it again, they're gonna do it again. And that's when things get complicated. And it didn't suck.
Dr. Wilson: So now you've got to drum up another excuse to be around the love of your life. Could hit another patient.
Dr. House: Nah, don't like to repeat myself. People will say I'm formulaic.
Dr. House: It was self-defense.
Dr. Cuddy: You baited him.
Dr. House: You're right. I was asking for it. The low-cut blouse, the "Do me" pumps...
Stacy: This whole time you've been manipulating me?
Dr. House: You knew I had an angle the moment I poured soap onto a scrub brush.
Dr. Cameron: So you always use a condom?
Dr. Foreman: Uhhh, yeah.
Dr. House: Brother's on the down low... got to.
Dr. Foreman: I'm not ready for any Foreman juniors yet.
Dr. Cameron: [to House] You?
Dr. House: Working girls - they're sticklers. You're not going to poll Chase?
Dr. Chase: I'm not an idiot.
Dr. House: Obviously not. Who doesn't sleep with a drugged-out colleague when they have a chance?
Stacy: If Chase screwed up so badly, why didn't you fire him?
Dr. House: He has great hair.
Stacy: What are you hiding?
Dr. House: I'm gay. Oh! That's not what you meant. It explains a lot, though: no girlfriend, always with Wilson, obsession with sneakers...
Dr. House: And for the record, you are the worst transplant surgeon in the hospital. But, unfortunately, you are the only one who's currently cheating on his wife.
Sam: She got hep from me, didn't she?
Dr. House: No! No, no, no, God, no! I think she got cancer from you.
Stacy: That's how you tell this guy he's dying?
Dr. House: Oh, relax. He's got a cold, and, soon, health insurance.
Stacy: Such a hero. Always righting wrongs. Who cares who you have to manipulate?
Dr. House: I'm sorry. I didn't realize you and Buck were so close.
Dr. Chase: [To Stacy] Let's make a deal. I won't use the word "honestly," and you'll quit stopping by to see House so you don't take it out on me afterwards, how about that?
Dr. House: One caveat: I've moved past threesomes. I'm now into foursomes. If someone backs out, then you've still got a threesome. If two people back out, you're still having sex. You'd be amazed. Even if three people—
Dr. House: She's overreacting.
Dr. Wilson: You snuck into her shrink's office and read her private file. When Nixon did that, he got impeached.
Dr. House: So you're saying I'm not allowed to have oral sex with an intern either?
Dr. House: [About Stacy] She protects Chase, she protects me.
Dr. Wilson: Unless her advice to Chase is to make a deal and give you up. [In a bad Australian accent] "I'm so sorry, if only Dr House had paid attention... he'd never even met her; he never does."
Dr. House: Chase loves me. And isn't Turkish.
Dr. Wilson: Cameron loves you. Chase loves his job.
Stacy: Yeah. Why did Chase screw up?
Dr. Foreman: Because he doesn't give a crap about patients.
Stacy: Well, he always gets positive patient reviews.
Dr. Foreman: Yeah. He smiles all 84 of his teeth, tells them his tonsil story.
Stacy: It's a nice story.
Dr. Foreman: He still has his tonsils. As soon as he's out of the room, which is as soon as he can be out of the room, he starts in on the trash talk. Thinks not giving a crap makes him like House. Like something to aspire to.
Dr. Chase: It was a minor mistake; I couldn't have known it was going to happen—
Dr. House: Mistakes are as serious as the results they cause!
Dr. House: You know what's really killing her? Chase forgot to ask a standard question about stomach pain, so he missed the diagnosis, so she perforated, so she got sepsis, so her BP tanks, so she got blood clots, so she lost her liver. Livers are important, Cuddy. Can't live without them, hence the name. And here's the big issue: Chase is a hospital employee, and Kayla is the sympathetic mother of those two jury-friendly moppets Caleb and Cody.
Dr. Chase: Dory and Nicky.
Dr. Cuddy: Your point, beyond just trying to make Chase wet himself, seems to be that the hospital faces liability here. Well, thanks for clearing that up. I still need a medical reason to list her.
Dr. House: That is a medical reason! The family wins this hospital in a lawsuit, they'll turn it into condos. And people will die waiting outside a condo for medical care.
Dr. House: The hospital lawyer asks me if I did something unethical. If I did, the last person I tell is the hospital lawyer, especially since she's gone all Old Testament on me.
Dr. House: I'm not the one being sued. I feel funny.
Stacy: [Interrupting a flashback] Don't care about the Vicodin. [Vicodin disappears with a pop]
Dr. House: Chase killed that woman, now Foreman's in charge?
Dr. Cuddy: Yeah, we have a pecking order here, if Cameron kills somebody, Chase takes over. There's a flow chart in the lobby.
Anica: You know, I was gonna ask what a respectable doctor was doing at an OTB parlor; somehow that question doesn't seem relevant anymore.
Dr. House: What's your excuse?
Anica: Turns me on.
Dr. House: Yeah, what else turns you on? Drugs? Casual sex? Rough sex? Casual rough sex? I'm a doctor; I need to know.
Dr. House: Work smart, not hard. That's my philosophy, boss.
Dr. House: [While deliberately sabotaging a lumbar puncture] Eighth time's the charm.
Dr. Cameron: That's the irony of women in charge, they don't like other women in charge.
Dr. Foreman: What do you expect me to do, House? Quit? Cry?
Dr. House: Actually, I expect you to act like what you are - my employee, my subordinate ... my bitch.
Dr. House: You probably shouldn't have sex for a while.
Patient: For how long?
Dr. House: On an evolutionary basis, I'd recommend... forever.
Dr. House: Yeah, well, being hospitalized a lot certainly points to nothing being wrong with you.
Dr. Cameron: How would you describe my leadership skills?
Dr. House: Nonexistent. Otherwise excellent.
Dr. Cameron: [While searching Anica's house] She's got an appointment with her opthamologist on Tuesday and an appointment with her gynecologist on Thursday. Multiple appointments with multiple doctors... symptom of Munchausen's.
Dr. House: Or - just thinking outside the box here - she has a vagina and trouble reading.
Dr. House: At the end of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf," the wolf really does come. And he eats the sheep... and the boy... and his parents.
Dr. Chase: The wolf doesn't eat the parents!
Dr. House: It does when I tell it.
Dr. House: Sorry, I missed that. Hearing's been off since the Ricky Martin concert—some cholo kicked me in the head.
Dr. House: Labs, schmabs. A good diagnostician reads between the labs.
Dr. Foreman: Yeah, you're all about the nurturing.
Dr. House: You need a hug?
Dr. Foreman: I just agreed with you.
Dr. House: Not because you think I'm right. You're just taking the safe route. You're a wuss. Don't worry; your secret's safe with me. Hey, Wilson, guess what Foreman just did!
Dr. Foreman: Do you think there's any way House would take me seriously as his boss?
Dr. Wilson: Where is this coming from? Did Cuddy say something?
Dr. Foreman: We talked. She intimated.
Dr. Wilson: And you want my advice on how to usurp him? It's very ancient Rome: you'll need a toga, and of course, a sword.
Dr. Foreman: You were right.
Dr. House: Hey hey hey, we're not here to play the blame game. These things happen. Sometimes doctors send people out on the street to die after other doctors warned them that they were sending them out on the street to die. There's no way you could know.
Dr. Chase: We've got an MRI scheduled in 20 minutes. Earliest Foreman could get the machine.
Dr. House: I teach you to lie and cheat and steal...and as soon as my back is turned, you wait in line?
Dr. Wilson: Did you know your phone is dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?
Dr. House: They recharge? I just keep buying new phones.
Stacy: Our relationship is like an addiction. It's... like...
Dr. House: Really good drugs?
Stacy: No, it's like... vindaloo curry.
Dr. House: Ok, sure...
Stacy: Really, really hot Indian curry they make with red chili peppers.
Dr. House: I know what it is! Didn't think it was addictive.
Stacy: You're abrasive and annoying and come on way too strong, like... vindaloo curry. When you're crazy about curry, that's fine, but, no matter how much you love curry, you have too much of it, it takes the roof of your mouth off. And then you never want to see curry for a really, really long time, but you wake up one day, and you think... God, I really miss curry.
Dr. Foreman: Why'd you put me in charge of the department if you think I can't handle it?
Dr. Cuddy: Because it's temporary, and because I was ordered to.
Dr. House: We've been over this.
Stacy: If I thought you were capable of listening, I'd shut up.
Dr. House: That makes no sense at all.
Dr. House: MRI show anything?
Dr. Foreman: CT scan was negative.
Dr. House: CT... that's like, short for MRI, right? Excellent, well I guess that saves us a lot of time.
Dr. Chase: What happened to the Foreman who always has an answer? The guy who practically wears a sign saying "I'm as good as House, but I'm nicer."
Stacy: At least this time I recognize it. That's the bitter bit of convincing the two men you ever loved they're better off without you.
Dr. House: Yeah, it's all your fault. You know, Stacy in the original Greek means "relationship killer."
Dr. House: They can handle it.
Dr. Cuddy: Right. So far only 3 organ systems have failed.
Dr. House: Okay, they can't. Doesn't matter; guy's not stable enough to move. So go rant in your own office.
Dr. Cuddy: Tell me, if it is your aim to sell me the same crazy idea as that House does, how are you an improvement on House?
Dr. Foreman: I... brought you a coffee?
Dr. House: Two people who weren't meant to be together. Maybe they'll get a happy ending just because they both want it so much.
Stacy: Yeah, that's usually the way it works.
Dr. Foreman: In one of (Fletch's) books he talked about giving up drugs and alcohol. Said how it changed his life.
Dr. Chase: (imitating House) Everybody lies.
Dr. House: Wow. It's a big jump from "infidelity is morally wrong" to "do her."
Dr. House: Mommy does everything for her family these days. Even swallows their pills.
Dr. House: Cameron, I love you.
[Cameron's jaw drops. House swabs her mouth.]
Dr. House: Get your test result tomorrow.
Dr. House: [knocking on Wilson's office door] I know you're in there! I can hear you caring!
Dr. House: [Regarding a patient's treatment] Why don't you take it up with Stacy? See which option minimizes your risk.
Dr. Cuddy: Here's what I think she's going to say. [Imitating Stacy's accent] Oh, I loooove Greg! But if you go against the patient's wishes, you're calling her a liar. And if something goes wrong, I end up in court, having to defend the big mean doctor (albeit with dreamy eyes) who wouldn't believe the nice suburban mom. And even though his cane makes me melt, do the damn surgery.
Dr. House: Morning, Jimmy! Anybody die while I was gone?
Dr. Wilson: Did... Did you iron your shirt?
Dr. House: I thought about shaving it, but I couldn't find a razor.
Dr. Cameron: What are you looking for?
Dr. House: Same as you. Love, acceptance, a solid return in investment.
Dr. Weber: I know...I know you.
Dr. House: Sure you do, Dick.
Dr. Weber: The name's Philip.
Dr. House: My bad. Something to do with your face - I always think your name is Dick.
Dr. Weber: You can't test anything on an abnormal brain.
Dr. House: That's so close-minded. He's not 'abnormal', he's special.
Dr. Cameron: Could pain medication cause an orgasm?
Dr. House: I wish.
Dr. Cameron: His brain is like a waiter that's got too many...
Dr. House: Hey! I do the metaphors!
Dr. House: [to a prostitute] I'm looking for a distraction. You don't need to talk to do that, do you?
Dr. Wilson: How'd you get here?
Dr. House: By osmosis.
Dr. Cuddy: Teenage supermodel. Presented with double-vision, sudden aggressive behavior, cataplexy—
Dr. House: You had me at "teenage supermodel."
Alex: I was passed out but I wasn't. I, I knew what going on but I couldn't move or talk.
Dr. House: Yeah, sounds like a medical thing. It's called cataplexy. Catfight and cataplexy on the catwalk. Cool.
Dr. House: She's a fashion model, on the cover of magazines. [They] hold her up as a sexual ideal. The law says we can't touch her for three more years. How hypocritical is that?
Dr. Foreman: There's no age limit on addiction.
Dr. House: (taking a Vicodin) He's right.
George: I haven't slept in weeks, because my teeth hurt. Dentist couldn't find any cavities. And I'm getting these headaches.
Dr. House: Ohhhhh, poor you.
George: I think I'm going crazy. And my stomach. I roll out of bed, and I wanna puke.
Dr. House: I take it you're married.
George: You must be psychic.
Dr. House: You must be witty. When's she due?
George: How'd you know she—
Dr. House: 'cause I'm doing her! ... You've got Couvade Syndrome, which is just a fancy way of saying you should stop whining. Millions of women have got the same thing. They're not bugging me.
Dr. Foreman: Why would your mind go to abuse so fast?
Dr. House: I had a funny uncle.
Dr. Foreman: You were abused?
Dr. House: What? No. Why'd your mind go to that so fast. I just had a funny uncle. Great stories, always filthy.
Dr. House: You've got male pseudo-hermaphroditism. See, we all start out as girls, and then we're differentiated based on our genes. The ovaries develop into testes and drop. But in about one in 150 thousand pregnancies, a fetus with an 'XY' chromosome, a boy, develops into something else, like you; your testes never descended. Because you're immune to testosterone, you're pure estrogen, which is why you had heightened female characteristics—clear skin, great breasts. The ultimate woman is a man. Nature is cruel, huh?
Father: This is obviously a joke. This is ... it's impossible.
Dr. House: No, a joke would be me calling you a homo. See the difference? I'll schedule him for surgery.
Dr. House: Put your clothes back on. I'm going to cut your balls off, and then you'll be fine.
[Dr. Wilson is examining Dr. House's leg with the MRI]
Dr. Wilson: House, this is God.
Dr. House: Look, I'm a little busy right now. Not supposed to talk during these things. Got time Thursday?
Dr. Wilson: Let me check. Oh! I got a plague. What about Friday?
Dr. House: You'll have to check with Cameron.
Dr. Wilson: Oh! Damn it! She always wants to know why bad things happen. Like I'm gonna come up with a new answer this time.
[Cuddy bursts in]
Dr. Cuddy: House...
Dr. House: Quick God, smite the evil witch!
Dr. Cuddy: Are you sitting on evidence that your patient was sexually abused by her father?
Dr. House: God, why have you forsaken me?
Dr. House: Cheese is the Devil's plaything.
Dr. Cameron: We're going to cure death?
Dr. House: [demented laugh] Doubt it.
Dr. House: Norwegian chocolate. Frankly, you buy that stuff, the terrorists win.
Dr. Cuddy: Don't you think this is a little manipulative?
Dr. House: No, I think it's hugely manipulative.
Dr. House: [spots Wilson talking to a nurse] Wilson! How long can you go without sex?
Dr. Wilson: How long can you go without annoying people?
Dr. House: No seriously, a week? A month?
Dr. Wilson: I'm not having an affair.
Henry: I assume you've been in love?
Dr. House: Is that the one that makes your pants feel funny?
Dr. House: When guys have brain/crotch problems, it's usually the result of using one