House: ...Treatment can be interesting.
House: I've changed.
House: [immediately] No I haven't.
House: [slides into patient's room] What happened?
House: [leaning over the end of the patient's bed] Don't worry, I'm not going to burn you again. I'm going to [reveals needle] STAB YOU!
Cameron: We should give her a local.
House: That would defeat the purpose of me being nasty.
Cuddy: You've been back at work for 24 hours and already you're playing hide-and-seek in a woman's spine.
House: Who won the pool?
House: Does that make me evil?
Wilson: Yea.
House: The sixth level is heroin, the seventh level is you going away.
Caren Krause: Scurvy? Like what sailors get when they don't eat right?
Foreman: Aye aye.
Arlene: I'm taking care of him for the same reason you helped us.
House: Some guy shot you and you hallucinated?
House: I don't remember you being this bitchy.
Cuddy: I see him every day. I can't just —
[House has just done a skateboard trick.]
House: Oh! I stuck that primo! How rad am I?!
Cameron: You're lucky he didn't die.
House: I'm lucky? He's the one who didn't die.
[House has just run all the way from his home to the hospital]
Cuddy: Why did you...?
House: Why does a dog lick its workplace-acceptable euphemism for testicles?
Wilson: Because he can.
Dr. House: Inject him with cortisol. He'll have sex with his wife again! He'll hug his kid again! Hopefully that's the combination he was using... be a shame if I cured a pedophile.
Dr. Cuddy: Twenty-four times a year you come storming into my office spouting that you can help someone. Except you never say those words. You say something like, "His pancreas is going to explode because his brain is on fire!"
Dr. House: Would you like to get a drink?
Dr. Cameron: Are you .. are you serious or are you just trying to change the subject?
Dr. House: No I'm serious. I drink, you drink, we can do it at the same time, at the same table. Do you eat? We could do that too. Hey, if the answer's No that's cool, but...
Dr. Cameron: No it's just... you're just coming off surgery and you're not yourself yet and I work for you and even though last year's... agh. You're smiling. I'm saying no and you're smiling.
Dr. House: Well don't take it personally, it's just cause you're full of crap. You have no interest in going out with me. Maybe you did when I couldn't walk, when I was a sick puppy that you could nurture back to health. Now that I'm healthy there's nothing in it for you.
Dr. Cameron: You are not healthy. Cuddy wants to see you.
Dr. House: So you're saying Chase did screw up.
Dr. Chase: Or Foreman screwed up.
Dr. Foreman: Big hand points to minutes, maybe you got them mixed up.
Dr. House: Oh snap, Foreman is playing the dozens. You're at a huge cultural disadvantage here, Chase. Take a couple minutes here and think of a witty retort.
[later]
Dr. Chase: Hey Foreman, your momma's so fat that when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up.
Richard: I want to have sex with my wife.
Dr. Cameron: Oh.
Richard: And I was hoping maybe you could ...
Dr. Cameron: Viagra? You're here for Viagra?
Richard: A bucket full would be nice.
Dr. House: Can you believe what Cuddy tried to pull?
Dr. Wilson: What now?
Dr. House: She lied to me. She cured my patient with my diagnosis, then lied to me about it.
Dr. Wilson: That doesn't sound like her.
Dr. House: You're right. Does sound like you, though.
Dr. Wilson: What exactly did Cuddy tell you?
Dr. House: Nothing that your body language isn't telling me right now. So what was the plan? I'd feel so horrible by missing a case that I'd re-evaluate my entire life, question the nature of truth and goodness and become Cameron?
Dr. Wilson: Something like that. More that if we'd told you the truth, that you'd solved it based on absolutely no medical proof, you'd think you were God, and I was worried your wings would melt.
Dr. House: God doesn't limp.
Dr. Chase: How could I screw up a simple bleeding-time test?
Dr. Foreman: Maybe you were abducted - lost time.
Dr. House: [crosses fingers] Tell me he's a mutant-human hybrid.
Dr. Cameron: Maybe he cheated.
Dr. Chase: Right, kids always cheat on their bleeding-time tests.
Dr. House: She was being metaphorical. She's trying to sound like me. [turns to Cameron] I have no idea what you meant, but [raises eyebrow] I could smell what The Rock was cooking.
Dr. House: I need a laser pointer.
Dr. Cameron: We don't have a laser pointer.
Dr. House: Well, why not? Who's going to take us seriously if we don't have a laser pointer?
Dr. House: Why do they bother putting age restrictions on these things when all you have to do is click "yes, I am 18". Even a 17 year old can figure it out.
Dr. Cuddy: What's going on with the leg?
Dr. House: First tell me what's going on with the boobs.
Dr. Cuddy: If you're feeling pain -
Dr. House: They're firmer.
Dr. Cuddy: It's called an underwire. I wanna get a PET scan of your brain.
Dr. House: I think it's hormones.
Dr. Cuddy: As long as there's no increased activity in the thalamus -
Dr. House: [out of the corner of his mouth] Looks to me like those puppies are going into the dairy business.
Dr. Cuddy: - then the pain can be good. It could mean muscle regenerating. After you workout you get sore. Pain doesn't mean that it failed.
Dr. House: Guess I should be saying mazel tov. Who gets to pass out the cigars?
Dr. Cuddy: I'm not pregnant. I need to get a PET scan of your brain.
Dr. House: Is it a boy or a girl? You got a name picked out?
Dr. Cuddy: I'm not pregnant!
Dr. House: My leg doesn't hurt.
Dr. Cuddy: You're in denial.
Dr. House: No I'm not! [scoffs] You got me.
Dr. House: [pager goes off] Gotta go. [starts leaving, and stumbles after a few steps]
Dr. Cuddy: [rushes over to help him]
Dr. House: [stands up] Ha.
Dr. Wilson: You're just like any other patient: running away from knowledge that won't make you happy.
Dr. House: I'm as happy as a pig in poop.
Dr. Wilson: You're scared the ketamine treatment's wearing off. That it was just a torturous window to the good life.
Dr. House: What part of "poop" didn't you understand?
Patient's Mother: You're talking about brain surgery.
Dr. House: I'm talking about really cool brain surgery.
Dr. House: Is this an intervention? You're a little late, since I'm not using drugs anymore. I am, however, still hooked on phonics.
Dr. Cuddy: If you did your morning run and showered at home you'd be later than ususal.
Dr. House: Thought of you in the shower.
Dr. Cuddy: How's your leg? You seem to be favouring your left side.
Dr. House: It was hanging down my right pant leg yesterday, makes all the difference in the world.
Dr. House: Why don't I have high-def in my office? I'm a department head.
Dr. House: Foreman, you gotta steal this thing for me!
Dr. Foreman: Oh, let me ring up one of the homies.
Dr. Chase: House! Clancy has gone missing!
Dr. House: Oh God! I'll look on Alpha Centauri, you look on Tatooine, and Cameron can set up an intergalactic checkpoint. Let's pray he hasn't gone into hyperdrive - we'll never catch him.
Patient's Father: I thought you got it all!
Dr. Chase: Yeah, yell at me—that'll fix the kid.
Dr. House: The results came back. The lab cannot identify the metal. Said it might not even be terrestrial.
Dr. Chase: Really?
Dr. House: No, you idiot. It's titanium.
Dr. House: I know I get worked up when I cut microchip tracking implants out of my neck.
Dr. House: So it's a UFO. Unidentified Flowing Orifice.
Dr. Cuddy: [about Cameron] She's not nearly as delightful as she thinks she is.
Dr. Cameron: [stares at House at using his cane again]
Dr. House: What, my fly open?
Dr. House:
Dr. Chase: [speaking about the patient] It's his call.
Dr. Foreman: So, what do we do? Put a plastic bag over his head and get it over with?
Dr. House: Come on, he's old, sick, and tiny. We can do whatever we want to him.
Dr. Foreman: All that in 24 hours?
Dr. House: Nah, whatever you don't get done you can finish at the autopsy.
Dr. House: Wow, you guys look like crap. What do you got?
Dr. Chase: Purple dye on my fingers.
Dr. House: What did the bone marrow biopsy show?
Dr. Foreman: Don't have the results.
Dr. House: What? What have you been doing all night?
Dr. Cameron: Jello shots and wild sex, what else?
Dr. House: Okay, next procedure: we sneak in, turn back the clock.
Powell: Dr. Chase said my calcium is normal.
Dr. House: We call him "Dr. Idiot".
Powell: Are you a man of your word, or not?
Dr. House: No, as a matter of fact, I'm not.
Dr. House: Go, get to work. [turns away to look at MRI] Wait! [turns back and realizes no one has moved]
Dr. House: You do know you can't pierce me with your stares?
Dr. Cameron: I can't do this. [leaves]
Dr. House: Drama Queen.
Dr. House: I thought you were only supposed to put on a pound a week during your last trimester.
Dr. Cuddy: I'm not pregnant.
Dr. House: Don't go towards the light! You'll fall and break your hip.
Dr. House: Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. [sticks his head under Powell's sheet]
Dr. House: What's the largest organ?
Dr. Chase: Skin.
Dr. House: We need to get a piece.
Dr. Foreman: Sure, we'll just wait until he leaves his room without his skin, sneak in and take a piece.
Dr. Foreman: How the hell did you pull that out of your ass?
Dr. House: Wasn't mine. I had a muse.
Dr. Foreman: I had a date last night. She screamed. Should we spend $100,000 testing her?
Dr. House: Of course not. This isn't a veterinary hospital. ZING!
Dr. House: Go up his rear and get a smear. Which reminds me, kinda feel like a bagel.
Dr. House: After that look, I'm feeling a little frisky and looks like you're up.
Dr. Cuddy: I'm ovulating. Let's go.
Dr. House: The frisky, it went away.
Dr. House: I want my old carpet back.
Dr. Cuddy: It was stained with blood.
Dr. House: Yeah. My blood. Which makes the carpet part of me. I want it back. I want to be buried with it.
Dr. Cuddy: You think you can get me to do anything you want, regardless of how stupid it is?
Dr. House: It's my office! It's where I work, where I think, where I save lives, allowing you to brag to rich people so they'll give you more money to spend on MRI's and low-cut tops.
Dr. Chase: It's funny. You get a normal kid, the parent works. You get a special kid that costs more, you quit and turn the backyard into a therapy circuit.
Dr. Cameron: Yes, if only you were handicapped. All the good times you could have had with Dad.
Dr. House: Exactly when did
Ali: About 5 weeks ago? It's been very lonely.
Dr. House: Come on in, brothers and sister! Welcome to the house of the Lord!
Dr. Cameron: Come on, House, the chapel?
Dr. House: We have been given the miracle of a new symptom. Brother, can you testifiy as to why this poor boy's eyeball rolled back into his head?
Dr. Cameron: It could be MS…
Dr. House: It is easier for a wise man to gain access to heaven…
Dr. Cameron: Can you stop that? Just say not MS!
Dr. House: [about the girl] If I leave her alone, can I have my carpet back?
Dr. Cuddy: No.
Dr. House: If I forget about the carpet, can I have her?
Dr. Cuddy: I have sad news for you: She doesn't love you.
Dr. House: You're ugly when you're jealous.
Dr. Cuddy: She showed up at my house last night—came on to me.
Dr. House: She's more perfect than I thought.
Dr. Cuddy: She has mole on her right breast just below the nipple.
Dr. House: No, she doesn't.
Dr. Cuddy: You've seen her breasts!?
Dr. House: It was a medical exam. I was listening to her heart. It went Greg-House, Greg-House, Greg-House.
Dr. House Why can't you be more like the other age-inappropriate girls who have a thing for me? Just accept me for me.
Dr. Cameron: Is it so wrong for them to want to have a normal child? It's normal to want to be normal.
Dr. House: Spoken like a true circle queen. See, skinny, socially privledged white people get to draw this neat little circle. And everyone inside the circle is "normal". Anyone outside the circle needs to be beaten, broken and reset so that they can be brought into the circle. Failing that, they should be institutionalized. Or even worse - Pitied.
Dr. Cameron: So it's wrong to feel sorry for this little boy?
Dr. House: Why would you feel sorry for someone that gets to opt out of the inane courteous formalities which are utterly meaningless, insincere and therefore degrading. This kid doesn't have to pretend to be interested in your back pain, your secretions or your grandma's itchy place. Imagine how liberating it would be to live a life free of all the mind numbing social niceties. I don't pity this kid - I envy him.
Dr. Cameron: All change is bad. Not true you know.
Dr. House: If he's not hitting that, why is she here?
Dr. Cameron: Because I'm hitting that, and it's totally hot.
Dr. House: Infectious or environmental...all we have to do is check out parasites, viruses, bacteria, fungi, prions, radiation, toxins, chemicals, or it's Internet porn related. I'll check the Internet, you guys get the rest of the stuff.
Dr. House:There's a reason we don't let kids vote, or drink, or work in salt mines. They're idiots! Twenty year olds fall in and out of love more often than they change their oil filters. Which they should do more often.
Dr. Foreman: Not sure I understand your ghetto slang, Dr. House. How many black women have you dated, by the way?
Dr. House: I don't care about color, as long as they can help me breed a superior race.
Dr. Foreman: My exes have usually been black, so what? Its not a racial thing, its cultural. I have more in common with them, like, I assume you (Dr. House) only date emotionally stunted bigots.
Dr. Cuddy: Pay attention to me!
Dr. House: Sorry, that would make it harder to ignore you.
Dr. Wilson:Your real fear is me having a good relationship
Dr. House: Yes, it keeps me up at night. That and the Loch Ness Monster, global warming, evolution, other fictional concepts.
Dr. Chase: Cameron and Foreman are too ethical and I'm too scared of getting sued.
Michael Tritter: I don't wanna sue you.
Dr. House: Good.
Michael Tritter: I want to beat the crap out of you.
Dr. House: Less good.
Dr. House: Dude, She's in a coma. Who are you trying to impress?
Dr. House: Oh right, places to go, people to eat.
Dr. House: It's probably her mom. I bet she's huge. She is from the
Dr. House: Does Salma Hayek live in
Dr. House: Kids these days. Got no respect for other people's property.
[A patient has pain in his arm after he has slept on top of it all night. House suggests surgery.]
Patient: You want to remove my arm?
Dr. House: Well it is your left but a guy has got to sleep.
Patient: Are you INSANE?
Dr. House: You say "no way", I say… [long pause] yeah, no way.
Dr. House: Cameron sees a clump of dirt and she thinks of me.
Dr. House: Where's Chase?
Dr. Cameron: Haven't seen him since you told him to sit on his ass yesterday.
Dr. House: Interesting.
Dr. House: This conversation is over because I've officially run out of clever things to call the guy.
Dr. Wilson: : I'm curious..
Dr. House: [interrupting] No, you're not!
Dr. Wilson: : Why steal my pad?
Dr. House: [mockingly] Oh my God! You're right! I'm an addict, thanks for opening my eyes!
Dr. Wilson: : No, I mean why my pad. Foreman, Cameron, and Chase's pads are just as convenient, but their association with you is involuntary. They're employees. I associate with you through choice, and any relationship that involves choice, you have to see how far you can push before it breaks.
Dr. House: This is easy. You ask the questions, answer them, and make tasty snacks!
Dr. Wilson: : And one day our friendship will break, and that will just prove your theory that relationships are conditional, and you don't need human connection or deserve it or whatever goes on in that rat-maze of your brain.
Dr. House: [to patient] Sorry, if I had known he was going to be this annoying, I would have stolen Dr. Cameron's pad, Dr. Foreman's car. At least she appreciates my brooding melancholy.
Dr. House: [cellphone rings, he answers] House's house of whining, state your complaint!
Dr. House: [explaining why he became a doctor] When I was 14, my father was stationed in
Coma Guy: I wouldn't get to see him, even if we got in the car right now and broke the speed limit driving back, would I?
Dr. House: No.
Coma Guy: Tell him.. [pauses, at a loss for words] I don't know what to tell him. I don't think it's my turn to ask a question, is it?
Dr. House: I don't think so, you just asked me that thing about the speed limit. What do you want to know?
Coma Guy: If you could hear one thing from your father, what would it be?
Dr. House: It wouldn't help you.
Coma Guy: Try me.
Dr. House: I'd want him to say, "You were right. You did the right thing."
Dr. Wilson: I don't think my enabling is something you should be complaining about.
Coma Guy: [Whilst holding up an iPod to show to Dr. House and Dr. Wilson] What's this? It says ipp-odd.
Dr. Cameron: We're all playing his game; might as well enjoy it.
Dr. Cuddy: You can't lift your arm.
House: You can't pee standing up.
Dr. Cameron: You okay?
Dr. House: Hurt my shoulder playing fantasy football.
House: He's teaching prepubescent kids that truth matters, God doesn't, and life sucks. I like him.
House: [to Cuddy] Okay, fine. I'll father your child. But first you got to write me a Vicodin prescription. Just so that I can get through the foreplay.
House: [to Patients little brother] Can I be your imaginary friend?
Cameron: Nice cane.
House: If I know what you mean.. (winks)